hmmm (deja vu)

so in my process to pick a new path and head in that direction I have narrowed things down to physical therapy and environmental graphic design.  one would require a much larger amount of schooling and would yield a career that appears to be more stable the other is much less school but more competition, politics and potentially the only way to really make it will be to set off on my own and to be honest I have that energy some times but I’m not so sure that I have that energy 24/7/365 which is what I think it takes to have your own successful design practice.

I’ve been here before and I know what decision I made and I know how I felt about it in the long run.  of course now I have two children who are dependent upon me for all things and that makes doing what seems to be the right thing feel a little bit wrong.

doing something design related is easy for me.  I am creative and I like it, the down side to creative professions is that they are filled with people who like the fun idea of creating things, they are EXTREMELY political for the same said reason and (triple whammy here) they don’t seem to pay as much because there are literally people sitting and waiting for a chance to do what you are doing.  in theory none of this bothers me in the least, however in practice this can show itself in unfair working environments and being at a firm for many years without a promotion or a raise and that my friend sucks.  add to that the reality that not all things or beings are created equal, I am more talented than most however if my coworker lives to be in the office and is shy on friends and family (kids) than all my creativity means little when you are working for an ego maniac who just wants a drone to do their dirty work for them anyway.  (I’m only a little jaded)

I love challenges.  I love challenges enough to know that they come at a cost and that I frequently am willing to pay that price.  but if I do this will it just be me paying for it or will my daughters be chipping in.  and since they will be chipping in is it really fair of me to ask them to pay for the wrong choice that I made the last time I made a choice like this.  I believe that I can do it.  I believe that I would be very good at it.  but 2.5 years of pre-requisites just to be able to apply is intimidating and right now my fear of failure (big picture failure here not just a class) is making me examine this whole things from every imaginable side .  ultimately this will slow down the beginning of those 2.5 years, procrastination

yes, procrastination is something that I also know well.  I can and will move at warp speed and then something will shift me into first and things will slow way down.  I don’t want to come to a stop.  I want to do something.  I just want to make sure that I do the right thing and this is a lot.  I know what happened the first time, I know why I did it and I know what it has cost me.


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